Friday, December 20, 2002

 

Tree Trim

Last night, after dinner with Mom and Grandma, after driving around town looking at Christmas lights, after watching an hour of television with them in their hotel room, I went home and finished decorating my christmas tree.

You know, it's not as fun by yourself. I love, though, leaving the lights on all night and waking up in the early morning to the soft rosy glow (I'm not sure why all those colors combined make a rosy glow, but there it is.) I wrapped all of the presents too, so my place is looking Christmassy. I'm trying to get into the Christmas mood, and having a hard time, for some reason. Maybe it's the weather, it's not very cold here.

The good news is: Andy's mom invited me and mom and grandma over for Christmas dinner. Whew! What a relief! I was planning on having dinner at my place for mom and grandma, except....I have a VERY small apartment. I don't have a table (when I eat at home, I sit on the floor and use the coffee table) I only have one chair. I only have 3 plates. My oven is "apartment" sized - ie I don't even know if a turkey will fit in there, a large pizza won't. Having dinner at Andy's parent's is the perfect solution. That way we can still have the "homey" Christmas dinner, and my mom and grandma can meet Andy's parents, AND I get to spend Christmas with Andy too, since we were both going to have to go our separate ways that day. Yay! Only problem is - my mom is a fervant left-winger, and Andy's dad is a big republican. Things could get interesting!

The bad news: the place I ordered both my mom's and my dad's Christmas present from emailed me today that my items have to be backordered, and won't ship until the middle of January! Well, why couldn't they tell me this a week and a half ago, so I'd have more than 3 days to think of alternate gifts! Oh GREAT! I love last minute Christmas shopping, especially for two of the most important people on my list!

I am excited though! I just hope I don't get sheets for my bed, like last year. Sure, sheets are fine, but they're not FUN, and frankly I ALREADY HAVE sheets, they're what I'm using now!!

I hope you all have a very very merry Christmas!

posted by Krizzer 11:37 AM

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

 

Invasion

Yep, Mom and Grandma are coming to visit. Cleaning cleaning, shopping, cleaning, smoking cigarettes, hiding things, cleaning and basically getting ready for their arrival on Thursday. I'm trying not to stress out, because the holidays are what you make them. But I have this feeling that I'm not going to get to DO anything once they arrive. A whole week is a long time for me to be responsible for the entertainment of anyone.

I hate this about myself: I love my mother (that's not the part I hate, just wait for it...) but I go crazy whenever I go to visit her, or she comes to visit me. I get crabby and sulky and irritable and generally I turn into a real brat. I turn 15 again. I feel claustrophobic. I can't wait for the visit to be over.

I know why this is (at least I know PARTLY why it is). I only see my mom once or twice every year or two. And I'm ok with that. I'm a grown-up, I don't need my mommy anymore. I have my own busy life and I take care of myself just fine. Maybe I'm absolutely callous, maybe I'm a terrible child. But I don't really miss my mom. I'm used to having her gone, she's lived on the east coast since I graduated from high school.

So I feel guilty because, understandably, my mother misses me.

Then when I do see her, we only have a few days together. After all, working full time and only getting 2 weeks of vacation a year doesn't add up to much time for mom, not if I want to do anything FUN for most of my vacation days (notice how FUN and MOM are mutually exclusive - sad but true) For the few days we have together, Mom wants to get in as much "quality time" as possible to make up for lost time.

So I feel extremely pressured to drop everything and "power visit".

Then there's the fact that my mother hasn't really been around me much since I moved out on my own. It hasn't really sunk in that I'm a self-sufficient adult who can feed herself and express her needs and be left alone for a few hours. In fact, if I don't get to be alone for a few hours here and there, especially during intensive mom exposure, I'm likely to choke someone. Last time we visited, we were at the video store, and my mother kept wanting to stand RIGHT NEXT to me while we picked out a movie, so she could tell me what she knew about the movies (ie what the reviewers said, what it's about, who's in it - which in itself bugged me because my mother always tells me too much about movies I haven't seen) and I kept purposefully taking a step AWAY to establish a small amount of personal space, and she kept taking a step CLOSER (oblivious of the hint) until I just wanted to scream "what are you my fucking shadow do you have to be hip to hip with me every second of this visit why can't you just give me some SSSPPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!?"

So I feel smothered from being mothered.

And finally, my mom just bugs me. There's nothing weird or wrong with that. Everyone's mom bugs them, has little habits that are annoying. But since I'm already in a poopy mood from guilt, pressure and smothering, these things really GET to me. And then I realized I'm snapping at my mom who loves me and just wants to spend time with me. I'm being a brat. I'm being difficult on purpose. I'm wanting to scream. I'm wanting to kill. I'm wanting to go home! I'm... I'm... I'm.....making her feel bad. Oh Jesus.

And the guilt again. Because, like I said: I do love my mother. And I feel terrible that I want to kill her. (naturally) I feel like a really really really rotten daughter. I feel like a really rotten person that I don't enjoy spending time with my mom. I WANT to enjoy spending time with my mom. I want to be a good daughter. It didn't used to be this way.

I think if we lived near each other things would be different. I'd see her every week or two, like I do my dad. There'd be no pressure because we would see each other again next week. And the length of the visit would be shorter, cause it'd just be lunch or dinner or a movie or something. It wouldn't be Mom-Land for 5 days. I'd be able to tease her about the things she does that bug me, like I used to, and not MEAN it.

I guess all I can do is try again to keep my temper, remember that I love her, insist upon some space, and know that it's all going to be over the day after Christmas. At least this time my Grandma is coming too (from whom I feel no pressure, except to make sure my apartment is clean) and they're staying at a hotel, so I'll at least get to be an adult and have some time to myself at night. Wish me luck!

posted by Krizzer 4:02 PM